The full moon of March is when my Dad had passed; it is the day I chose for a family memorial. Both my mom and sister were in care facilities and I don't know the exact times of their passing. So, I celebrate them all together.
It's an emotional time. Their lives pass through my mind screen like a 3d movie. Only bits and pieces. Scenes. Conversations. I lit 3 candles, one for each of them on my altar. Said a few prayers and kind words.
People always post how they miss their parents, or brothers or sisters. I don't. I don't feel guilty about that either. I feel compassion for them, that they didn't fulfill their human potential, and that they did not live happy lives.
The first time I ran away I was around ten. I had never heard of children running away and I didn't know anyone that did. I started out in a horrible huff over some meanness by my mother. She was going through a hysterectomy and suffering an identity crisis. I just ran away and got as far as the next town over. I had no money. I had no plan, and no idea what I was doing. It started to get dark. I went back.
Unlike in the tv movies where parents are all loving and huggy huggy when their child returns, my Dad bounced me off the four walls of my room.
I loved my family, of course. But, this was not a loving family. When my parents divorced, we were one of the few families in the community that did such a thing. Catholics married for life. Jews didn't divorce either. And regular people had to resort to all kinds of things to get divorced. Sleezey Private Eyes were popular. Arsenic was still available for purchase. Putting women in nut houses was often a solution. In our small community, we were just outcasts. Families did not welcome me or my sister. All the synagogue activities were suspended.
Years of unhappiness filled the gap between the divorce and their deaths. I miss them sometimes. I sometimes wish I had been a more loving sister. I don't miss all the ongoing dramas, though. especially the regular ones for holidays. I have peace. I love it. So, I light their memorial candles, say some loving words, and pray they are all in a good place.
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